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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26368315">Clandestine Meetings &amp; Stolen Stares</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallyEC/pseuds/EternallyEC'>EternallyEC</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Victorious (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Cheating, F/F, Infidelity, Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:01:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,597</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26368315</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallyEC/pseuds/EternallyEC</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>She’s told herself since that very first encounter that she could stop at any time. It’s a flimsy lie, one that not even she herself believes, but it helps to think she has some control of a situation where she really has none.<i></i></i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i><br/>    <i>- OR - </i><br/>  </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i><br/>    <i>Tori Vega has always been like the moth to a flame when it comes to Jade West, and when a drunken kiss at a party leads into an illicit affair, it starts to become all too clear that she might be consumed whole.</i><br/>  </i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beck Oliver/Jade West, Tori Vega/Jade West</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>161</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Clandestine Meetings &amp; Stolen Stares</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I forgot to add this, but this was so inspired by tvfantastic's incredible Jori video to the same song. I have watched it so many times and I couldn't stop thinking about this idea until I wrote it. If you haven't seen it, go check it out for a good dose of feels!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
<p></p></div><div>
<p></p><div class="resolved"><p>
      <em>And that's the thing about illicit affairs</em><br/>
<em>And clandestine meetings</em><br/>
<em>And longing stares</em><br/>
<em>It's born from just one single glance</em><br/>
<em>But it dies, and it dies, and it dies</em><br/>
<em>A million little times</em>
    </p></div></div><p>
  <em>They show their truth one single time</em><br/>
<em>But they lie, and they lie, and they lie</em><br/>
<em>A billion little times</em>
</p><p><em> - Illicit Affairs,  </em>Taylor Swift</p><p>“Make sure nobody sees you leave.” </p><p>The words, though spoken in a gentler tone than she thinks anyone else has ever heard from Jade West, are still sharp enough to poke through Tori even though you would think she would have learned how to block it out by now. The pain proves enough to sever her connection with the brief fantasy she only allows herself when they’re alone, and reality rushes back to her like the ground races to meet a skydiver. Or something like that, she guesses; Jade’s the writer between them, not her, and she’s too emotional to come up with anything good. </p><p>But one skill that Tori <em>has </em>developed is acting, and she uses that to her benefit as she doesn’t let Jade see the way her heart is twisting in her chest at her callous choice of words. Instead, she just nods and zips up her hoodie, pulling the hood up and forward enough to cast her face in shadows, as she checks in the mirror before she opens the door and leaves. </p><p>She pretends for her pride’s sake that she didn’t crane her neck as she shut the door, her heart only calming when she catches sight of tousled blue-streaked hair tumbling down the porcelain skin of Jade’s back that’s so carefully turned to her. She tries to ignore the smile that won’t leave her lips as she slips out of the hotel room and hurries down the hallway towards the exit.</p><p>She keeps her head down the whole way home, terrified of running into someone she knows and them being able to somehow tell where she’s been, who she’s been <em>with </em>. </p><p>But as it turns out, she needn’t have worried; as soon as she walks into her house, having pushed the hood down before approaching the front door, she’s confronted by almost their entire friend group. Including Beck, and oh god is he looking at her strangely? Her cheeks still feel all too warm and she’s certain of what she’d find if she looked in a mirror right now, all flushed cheeks and too-bright eyes that threaten to expose her. </p><p>But she doesn’t have time to do anything or even to think as Cat gives her a questioning look and asks where she’s been. Wrapping her hands up in the sleeve of her hoodie a little more tightly and squeezing, she plasters on a fake smile and answers, “I went out for a run!” in a voice that’s just a little too high to be believable, and this time she <em> knows </em>that she’s not imagining the looks they’re giving her and her anxiety skyrockets and--</p><p>And then Rex says something, probably the first time she’s <em>ever </em>been grateful to hear him speak, and the conversation shifts to something else that Tori can’t even focus on as relief washes over her. </p><p>She’s too distracted and nervous to be good company, but she stays downstairs and, for the second time tonight, puts her acting skills to the test as she tries to pretend to be a normal teenage girl for the evening. It’s a role that she finds harder and harder to play since she and Jade started doing whatever the hell it is that they’re doing, but none of her friends seem to notice. </p><p>She doesn’t know if she should be relieved or upset by that. </p><p>~</p><p>She’s told herself since that very first encounter that she could stop at any time. It’s a flimsy lie, one that not even she herself believes, but it helps to think she has some control of a situation where she really has none. </p><p>As the weeks pass and <em>things </em>continue (Tori still has no idea what to call them), their meetings go from beautiful hotel rooms to dingy motels and darkened parking lots. It feels a lot like Tori herself, the way things go from a beautiful high whenever she’s with Jade to the cruel shame setting in when she has to go back to reality and remember that she’s the other woman.</p><p>It’s even worse when she considers the words she’d once told Beck, the night he had tried to kiss her on her couch and she’d turned him down, “Because of Jade”, she’d said. But now she has no excuses, no rhyme or reason for why she continues to help Jade cheat on the very boy she’d turned down for something so much <em>less </em>than whatever it is they’re doing. </p><p>Except that <em>it’s Jade </em>and she’s always been different, but that’s no excuse at all. </p><p>But still, <em> it’s Jade </em> and Tori’s never been able to say no to her, feeling drawn to her like a moth to the flame that’s certain to destroy her. But god, she feels so <em>warm </em>and alive with Jade, when those usually malicious blue eyes look at her softly, that she can’t help but feel like it’s all worth it. Even when she’s crying alone in her room in the middle of the night because she feels so used and just <em>wrong, </em>she’s aching and missing that softness. </p><p>The worst are the nights when they’re in her bed. They’re few and far between, but they exist, and Jade is always careful not to wear her usual perfume. It’s a bottle that Beck bought her for a graduation present and, while the scent reminds her of him, it’s so quintessentially <em> Jade </em>that she misses it even when she's in her arms. </p><p>But what makes these nights the worst is the way that, after Jade leaves, it all feels like a dream. Where she otherwise usually has at least Jade’s scent clinging to her skin after their encounters, Jade’s paranoia of leaving any sign of her presence, including perfume on her sheets, means that she doesn’t even have that to cling to on those nights and somehow, it makes everything harder. </p><p>It’s almost enough to send her into a panic sometimes, the thought that maybe she’s made all of this up and that Jade isn’t hers at all. (Tori ignores the fact that it’s been over a year and Jade isn’t hers and never has been..) </p><p>And then, everything changes. </p><p>Andre is the one to tell her that Beck proposed and that Jade said yes, showing Tori photos that make her physically ill. She makes up excuses and, even while she’s hugging the toilet as her stomach writhes, she’s grateful to have an excuse to escape and furious at Jade for not having said anything. </p><p>She tries to cut Jade out after that, she really does. But her well-meaning friends just don’t <em>get it </em>and it’s hard enough to resist Jade without their entire friend group constantly trying to fix things between them. </p><p>In the end, she fails and finds herself staring at the diamond glittering on Jade’s finger that is digging into her hip, face buried between her thighs for the first time in three weeks. It’s the longest she’s ever gone and, not for the first time, she finds herself comparing Jade to a drug with the way she <em>craves </em>her. Not just her body or her touch or the way she can make Tori feel so much more than anyone else she’s ever been, but her very <em>presence</em>. </p><p>In the end, not even the weight of the ring she can feel pressing down on her the way Jade’s hands are pressing her hips to the bed is enough to stop her from coming, hands tangling in raven hair and biting through her lip in her efforts to stay quiet. The taste of copper mingles with the taste of herself still lingering on Jade’s tongue when she kisses her and the bittersweetness of the combination reminds her of them. </p><p>“Jade, what is this?” </p><p>The words slip out without her meaning to let them, and she bites down on her swollen lip again before hissing in pain. Still hovering over her, the raven-haired woman’s eyes are unreadable as they bore into hers, but she isn’t yelling or storming off, so Tori tentatively dares to hope that’s a good sign. </p><p>And, in a way, she guesses it both is and isn’t when Jade answers, “It is what it is,” before hesitating and gently cupping Tori’s cheek. “I like you,” she says softly, like a secret, gently dragging her thumb across her cheek before kissing her again. This time, Tori doesn’t interrupt, trying instead to feed on the softness of the encounter and how precious Jade can make her feel with so very little effort. As she does, she tries to ignore how much harder it is to cling to the good and how much faster it fades away every time. </p><p>After Jade leaves, Tori is in the restroom when she finds herself glaring at her own reflection and wondering when she’d become the kind of woman who would do any of the things she’d done since the night Jade had kissed her at a party. Hardly two years later and here she was fucking a woman with an engagement ring on her finger, watching the way it glittered against her own tan skin. </p><p>Suddenly, all of her suppressed rage seems to build up inside of her and she lets out a scream, reaching out and punching the mirror. It's with grim satisfaction that she watches the glass shatter, falling to pieces in much the same way that Tori herself does every time Jade leaves, and it's not until there's a pounding on the bathroom door that she realizes two things. </p><p>One: Trina was home from college and, even though her parents were out of town, that brand of insistent knocking is absolutely her sister's. </p><p>And two: there's blood dripping, painting the reflective shards littering the sink and floor with vibrant red droplets. </p><p>Even after noticing that, it takes her another second before she realizes that it's her blood that's dripping from cut knuckles that suddenly are radiating pain. Wincing, she lets out a hiss as the pain suddenly becomes evident with her noticing it, and the knocking pauses before Trina's voice rings out. </p><p>"Tor-i," she cries out, dragging out the last syllable in exasperated concern. "What are you doing in there?" she demands, and Tori knows she can't hide anymore. </p><p>With a defeated look on her face, she unlocks the bathroom door and lets her bossy older sister push her way into the room, letting her eyes drop before she can see the look on Trina's face. But the sound of her voice makes her glance back up, surprised at the lack of judgment and indeed, care and concern she hears in its place. </p><p>"Sit down and let me look at that," she orders, gently pushing Tori's shoulder until she carefully sits on the lid of the toilet seat and holds her hand out for inspection. </p><p>"This is bad," she says with a frown, gently holding her sister’s injured hand with both of her own and inspecting the knuckles closely. "You might need stitches, Tor. We really need to get you to the hospital." </p><p>"I don't want to go to the hospital," Tori whines, letting her head fall back and hit the wall with a dull thud she hardly feels for the throbbing agony her hand has become, drowning out any other sensations. It’s almost a relief, really, the way she can’t even feel her own inner turmoil anymore over it. </p><p>"Well, I guess you should have thought about that before you put your hand through our mirror," Trina snaps, and the normalcy of it is enough to bring Tori back to herself, away from the pity party she'd been throwing herself in her head. </p><p>"Fine," she sighs, willing to concede the point since, for once, she knows that Trina is absolutely right.</p><p>"I'll go get my keys, meet me downstairs and we'll go," she tells her, gingerly stepping over the glass to get out of the bathroom.</p><p>Tori nods, just grateful that her big sister isn't asking her about the bigger question. </p><p>"But don't think you're off the hook about telling me why you punched our bathroom mirror," Trina shouts from her room, and Tori groans again. Damn it. </p><p>In the end, it turns out that her hand is fine, though sprained and she does have to get butterfly stitches for her knuckles, as well as a splint to help it heal. After spending hours at the hospital, both sisters are too tired to talk and collapse into bed as soon as they get home, the painkillers helping to ease Tori into a restful, dreamless sleep despite everything. </p><p>When she wakes up, it's to find Trina waiting for her in the kitchen. The bathroom is surprisingly spotless, the missing mirror glaringly obvious but having been carefully cleaned out and she feels a rush of gratitude as she realizes that Trina must have been the one to do it. </p><p>Pouring herself a cup of coffee, she puts in her sugar and stirs it in slowly before sitting down across from her big sister. The act of doing it one-handed was awkward but she was happy to know she could, that she hadn’t lost all of her independence. </p><p>"You cleaned the bathroom," she says with a weak smile, blowing on the coffee before taking a careful sip. </p><p>"Yeah, and I'm putting a new mirror on my credit card so it can be replaced before Mom and Dad get back," Trina informs her, taking Tori by surprise again as she studies her big sister and wonders when she became this mature. </p><p>"Trina, I can get a job and pay you back," she starts, immediately falling silent when Trina shakes her head. </p><p>"I don't care about that, Tori, I care about what's going on with my baby sister that would make her punch a mirror in the middle of the night, after screaming so loudly that it woke me up from a dead sleep," she says with a raised eyebrow. </p><p>Tori sighs. “It’s because of Jade,” she blurts out, immediately regretting the words when Trina shoots her a knowing look and motions for her to continue. “We’ve kind of been sleeping together. For a couple of years.” </p><p>Trina’s eyes widen and Tori gets the distinct impression that, whatever she’d suspected, it wasn’t that. “Are you serious, Tori? What about Beck?” </p><p>“I know, I know,” she groans, slumping over in her seat. “I tried to stop it when I found out they got engaged, but she has some kind of hold over me, Trina. I don’t know how to resist her.” </p><p>“And this is why you punched a mirror in the middle of the night?” Trina says more than asks, shaking her head. “Tori, I don’t know what you possibly see in that gank, but you need to stop this. Look at what it’s doing to you, is she really worth this?” she questions, tapping on the splint encasing her hand. </p><p>Tori sighs, swallowing her automatic protests as she forces herself to really think about the question. </p><p>She thinks back to all of the times when she's been there for Jade, only for her to deny her any kind of relationship again almost immediately afterward. She thinks about the way that she's been used and manipulated by her so many times, even in this thing they have going on between them, whatever it is, and she has to admit that Trina's right. </p><p>A few hours later, Tori works up the nerve to text the woman in question. It's just a simple question, but a loaded one nonetheless; normally, <em> Can I see you? </em> would qualify as one reaching out to the other for a clandestine meeting, but she tries to ignore that. </p><p>What she can't ignore is the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach when Jade replies with a yes, telling her that Beck is filming and won't be home for hours. It's both a twisting of the knife and a reminder of why she's doing this, but none of it makes the process of getting dressed or heading over to the house Beck and Jade share any easier. </p><p>She parks a few streets away and walks over, a routine she's perfected to the point where she's pulling her hood over her face before even thinking about it. And when she knocks on the door, she's hardly had time to slip inside when Jade has her pinned against the door and is kissing her and oh god, she can already feel what little resolve she'd managed to store up crumbling to dust. </p><p>But then that damn ring catches the light and Tori's eyes are just open enough to see it, and she somehow finds the strength to push her away, wincing at the murderous look on Jade's face as she pushes the hood down and keeps her back flat against the door.</p><p>"What the hell, Vega?" Jade hisses, eyeing her warily. "We both know how this works." </p><p>"It isn't going to work anymore," Tori whispers, and Jade's eyes widen slightly. She even takes a slight step back before she narrows those piercing blue eyes and reclaims the space between them, pressing her body against Tori's in a way that feels achingly familiar, so right and <em>so</em> wrong all at the same time. </p><p>But now, something has changed and Tori is able to focus on the wrongness in it as she stays still, face inches apart from Jade's as they stare into each other's eyes. </p><p>And when Jade leans in to kiss her, she turns her head and closes her eyes, jumping slightly when Jade's hand hits the door close to her head with a growled, "Fuck!" </p><p>Just like that, the warmth of her body is gone and Tori forces her eyes open to see that Jade's backed away again, staring at her with an unreadable expression except for her eyes. Her eyes, normally so closed off and hard to read are an open book and the pain she sees in them is enough to make her heart ache and it's <em>almost</em> enough to make her change her mind. </p><p>But she's suffered too much pain at the hands of Jade West, and she knows that this isn't something she's doing only for herself, though that would be plenty reason enough. No, what they've been doing isn't fair to Beck or even to Jade herself, and Tori reminds herself of this as she slowly steps away from the door. </p><p>"I've loved you for so long, Jade, and I was willing to settle for any part of you that I could have. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being the other woman, the one you fuck before running back to your *fiance* and leaving me bleeding. I deserve more than that, Jade, we both do." </p><p>"What happened to your hand?" </p><p>The question comes out of nowhere and Tori blinks, surprised before she recognizes it for what it is. Concern disguised as a distraction, a clever ruse to allow Jade to find out new information while giving her time to think through what Tori was saying, what she was doing. </p><p>Clever girl. </p><p>"I punched a mirror after you left last night," Tori answers honestly, holding up her hand awkwardly. "You're engaged, Jade, and I'm desperately, idiotically in love with you. I would have done anything to be with you in any I could, and I did. You know how I feel but you used me anyway, don't you get how fucked up that is? It made me do this," she spits, tears streaming down her face as she shakes her hand in Jade's direction.</p><p>“You did that because of me?” Jade whispers, a look of remorse distorting her features for seconds before it disappears again. But it’s enough for Tori to calm down, lowering her hand to her side again with a sigh. </p><p>“No, Jade. I did this because of what I’ve been allowing you to do to me. But this is it,” she says quietly, drinking in the sight of her so unguarded and open, knowing it’s not likely she’ll ever see this side of her again. </p><p>After a moment, when it becomes seemingly apparent that she isn’t going to reply, Tori turns to leave. And then, with her hand on the doorknob, she hears, “Wait,” in the quietest voice she’s ever heard Jade use. </p><p>And then Jade is pressing into her back, gentle hands cradling her hips as she brushes a kiss over her neck and Tori is shivering despite herself. </p><p>“Please don’t go,” she whispers into the crook of her neck, hands slowly skimming up her sides until they’re cupping her breasts, and Tori’s eyes flutter closed as she fights with herself. “God, Tori,” she murmurs, trailing kisses up her neck and over her cheek until Tori is shivering at the sensation of her breath against her ear. “I love you too.”</p><p>Tori’s resolve breaks at the use of the words she’s longed to hear and, even though she knows she shouldn’t, her brain is no longer able to override her heart as she twists in Jade’s embrace and lays claim to familiar, soft lips with a kiss that’s so unlike any they’ve shared before. </p><p>There’s a new tenderness to their kisses now, Jade’s confession having removed the last wall between them and intimacy, and there’s a sense of finality about it too. Whatever wrongness was there has fled despite everything, and Tori only puts her finger on it when she’s helping Jade tug her shirt over her head and realizes that she’s taken the ring off. </p><p>“Jade,” she whimpers, head falling back against the door when Jade’s lips attach to her collarbone, sucking and licking and kissing and god, she feels like she could fly. “Your ring…” </p><p>With another lick, Jade lifts her head to meet Tori’s eyes, and her heart flutters again at the desire and affection she sees in their depths. “I’m choosing you, Vega. Can we talk later?” she smirks, catching an earlobe in her teeth and tugging gently to illustrate her point. </p><p>“Later’s good,” she agrees breathlessly after taking a second to think about it. It might be a bad idea, but she’s willing to take the risk if Jade keeps making her feel the way she is, eager hands pushing her bra up and tweaking hardened nipples just the way Tori likes. </p><p>And then Jade leans down to take one in her mouth, and any capability of rational thought  Tori had is gone with the first flick of her tongue and nip of her teeth. “Jade,” she whines and moans at the same time, having to force herself to remember to keep her injured hand by her side as her other clutches at raven hair, pulling her closer while arching into her mouth, eager to have her even closer. </p><p>She’s so focused on that sensation that she doesn’t even register Jade’s fingers working on her jeans until they’re being worked down her legs and then Jade is inside her, curling her fingers as she slowly thrusts and Tori cries out. </p><p>She looks down to find Jade watching her and, for the first time, the other woman doesn’t break eye contact. Tori whimpers at the sheer *intimacy* of it all, something she’s never been allowed with Jade, and the warmth spreading through her only has a bit to do with the physical pleasure and nearly everything to do with the feeling of being loved instead of just fucked. </p><p>And as she comes on her fingers, Jade surging up to capture her lips in a bruising yet tender kiss as she guides her through her orgasm, Tori knows that they have a lot of shit to work through. </p><p>But, for the first time, she thinks she finally knows what to call them.</p><p>And not even the sight of Jade’s engagement ring sitting on the table, a tangible reminder of everything they’re going to have to deal with and figure out, is enough to keep Tori from leading Jade to the bedroom and loving her the way she’s never been allowed to before. </p><p>Finally, after years of fucking, they’re lovers, and that’s all Tori’s ever wanted. </p><p>~</p><p>Lying together in the afterglow, Tori is amazed at how it feels to be allowed to hold Jade like this. They're facing each other, bodies as entwined as possible, and she can't stop smiling as she draws lazy patterns on ivory skin. Jade is mirroring her actions and they're just looking at each other and <em>god</em>, Tori doesn't think she's ever been this happy. </p><p>But then her eyes wander to the bedside table, landing on the framed photo of Beck and Jade that was taken just after graduation, and suddenly her smile disappears. </p><p>Jade's eyes shutter, the only sign that she's noticed, but she sighs and gently cups Tori's cheek. "I guess we have a lot of shit to talk about," she says softly, obviously having guessed what had prompted Tori's reaction. </p><p>"I guess we do," Tori sighs, stealing one more kiss before pulling away and sitting up, knowing that continuing to lay in Jade's arms wouldn't lead to anything even resembling a constructive conversation. "Did you mean it?" </p><p>"We're talking, aren't we?" Jade tries to deflect with a smirk, but it quickly disappears when Tori doesn't react. She sits up too, pulling the sheet up with her as she studies Tori. "Yeah, I did. When you told me that you'd <em>punched a mirror</em> because of me..." She sighed, guilt shining in blue eyes that were boring into Tori's. "I know I've fucked up, but I guess I never realized I was taking you along with me." </p><p>"I didn't fully realize it myself until last night," Tori admits. "But what changed?" </p><p>"I tried to imagine a life without you in it. Beck and I have broken up three times, Tori, but nothing has ever made me feel the way I did when I realized you were going to walk out that door." She reaches out and grabs Tori's hand, instinctively seeking the contact she's never accepted as freely with anyone else for comfort and strength. "I love Beck, but I haven't been in love with him since the last time he broke my heart. I've just been too scared to do anything but take him back and stay with him because he's safe. You scare the hell out of me, Vega." </p><p>"I <em>scare </em>you?" Tori asks incredulously. </p><p>"I can't imagine living without you, Tori, and that scares the hell out of me. But nothing scares me more than the idea of you walking out did tonight." </p><p>Tori tries to blink back the tears she feels forming in her eyes, but they spill over and she wipes them away with the back of her hand. "I love you, you idiot," she sniffles, rewarded by the sound of Jade's low laugh. "You could say you love me!" </p><p>Jade waits for a beat before answering, "I do love you," and they're the most beautiful words Tori's ever heard.</p><p>She knows that they have a hell of a storm to fight through before them, and rightfully so with the fucked up way their love story has gone so far, but she's willing to weather anything with Jade by her side. </p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Title and story inspiration from <i>Illicit Affairs</i> by <b>Taylor Swift</b></p><p>Please let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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